lyric & story blog

I stood parallel to the house and took a deep breath of the morning air, then exhaled. I could see the steam twisting off my lips in the colourless reflection of myself in the window as I approached the house menacingly. I paused momentarily and peered through the velvet curtains at a young girl sitting cross-legged under the Christmas tree, surrounded by the detritus of opened presents. Without hesitation, I pulled a balaclava down over my face and forced my elbow through the glassy front door and unlatched the lock on the other side. She immediately rose up and rushed into her bedroom in fright. The overcast sky reflected off the broken glass beneath my feet into the eyes of the girl as she peered curiously through her bedroom door as it slowly swayed ajar. She looked at me as if I had just gutted her pet dog.
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I’ve had the misfortune of experiencing a reoccurring dream lately where the morning is dark and wreathed in fog. I watch myself pace up and down an unfamiliar street. I notice a disfigured man lead people away from sight, never to be seen again. The faceless man stalks me through a nightmarish version of London. I feel a sense of foreboding amid the eerie weather. The murderer then vanishes, and police searches prove futile once again.
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*****
I left a rough tally in my arm, for every instance I apologised to her - a subtle reminder that I’d been kissing the face of adversity all this time. I know she needs me, like a butterfly needs it’s wings.
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*****
I’m sitting restlessly in the car park across the road from a cemetery, unsure if I can fathom the courage within me to snatch yet another bouquet of roses off a neighbouring headstone. Staring through the hearse in front of me deep in thought, I listen to the rain patter against the windshield. There was an open coffin funeral taking place behind me in the rear view mirror. The coffin was overflowing, causing the dirt beneath it to partly fall away. The body looked atrophied as it lay buoyant beside the minister as he recited the eulogy. One of the little girls dressed in black noticed me from a distance and tugged on her mothers dress. I switched the roof light off in my car to draw attention away from me. I feel so dislocated and ghost-like, as I watched the storm clouds venture in and out of my peripheral vision as they sealed off the sky.

The street lights that lined this desecrated street did little but shine weakly through the passenger side window, illuminating the upholstery dully. I glance over at the small assortment of dejected letters she mailed me while she was in hospital, the most recent of them dates back years ago. The brake lights of the hearse before me lit up my dashboard and stung my eyes. I instinctively shifted my car out of the way, after the ignition failed twice to begin with. Before I left I took another glimpse of the funeral service, noticing that the dirt had given way beneath the coffin, rendering it upturned and tilted awkwardly inside the grave. I slyly looked for the girl’s mother, she’d fallen to her knees and her daughter comforted her in tears.

My eyes suddenly became fixated on a young boy crawling out from behind the tree line, grasping his teddy in his left hand, slicing his knees upon the forest floor. I subconsciously clicked my windscreen wipers up another notch as the rain got heavier, but was still unable to see through the thick fog that inhabited the cemetery. I stepped out of my car and pulled my jacket over my head, I could taste the rain as it formed a stream over my lips as I glided toward the open grave to get a better look. I stopped dead in my footsteps on a zebra crossing, and coughed up congealed blood and bone splinters. I almost felt like there were a ventriloquist sifting his fingers through my back. The teddy the young boy was holding plummeted to the bottom of the grave six feet beneath his legs as they dangled, like that of a nervous child on a theme park ride. He watched each tear fall down between his feet and distort his own reflection on the mahogany below.

I imagined that everyone before me were soldiers on the front line jumping up from a trench, begging for the machine guns attention.

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*****
I delve into the shells and wet sand with my toes trying to pass the time as I impatiently awaited the sun to surface over the horizon. Morning dew lay upon the downturned faces of the roses I carefully snatched from the cemetary up the road. Her glassy eyes reflected the pearly resonance of the moon as it went out. I stared and watched it in a free fall, it brought into existence a wake which lapped permafrost at my ankles.
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****
The clock struck half past eight, I had to pause to vomit. I remember feeling like this all the time. the air tasted bitter-sweet but not melancholic, a cold front drew nearer. The boats around us began rocking and the sound of masts collapsing blanketed out her whispers & heavy breathing. The storm calmed and I stuck my head out of the hatch and a crow perched itself next to me and plucked my eye out. I lowered myself back inside the cabin with blood streaming down the left side of my face over my lips. She screamed and shoved me into the wall in terror and backed herself up against the wall in tears. I just want some piece and quiet.
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28.06.2011
I just bought Pig Destroyer’s full-length album, Terrifyer.
“Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.” ~ William S. Burroughs

 

****
I felt my stomach knot as I snuck a quick glance out of the corner of my eye to see her staring back at me. She climbed out of her bikini and slid off the mahogany dock into the lake. The setting sun disappeared behind the distant tree line and shon through the leaves as if lighting them on fire. I awkwardly searched for something else to pass my time looking at. 
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****
The night is coming to a close and the last of the clowns left the stage to resume a life of misery and self deprivation. I’d just kissed a deaf girl and traced the inside of her back pocket with my index finger. She’ll reject me, but for the rest of my life carnivals will always have a sad magic about them.
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**
the sheets beneath me sank and I was coveted by a surprising mass of cold grey water. I opened my eyes and watched the sand beneath me get closer as the water drained from the ocean. I heard the sound of a sinking ship in this distance, the metal on the hull collapsing. My fingers sifted through the black sand on the sea bed as the last of the water drained free. I closed my eyes unsure of what to expect, only to open them a moment later surfaced upon a surreal amber grass mountain. The air was warm and thick yet cut into my throat, I dropped to my knees and felt the blood falling off my lips. I knew I was dying but I didn’t care, I loved it up here.
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***
the blackest day has past and I haven’t been myself since. You said you knew how to have faith in something that means a lot to me, and clearly it does. I’d remind you every minute of the day to check your mail, I’ve always been full of surprises. You’ll find a blank card one morning, yet it’d still mean something to you.
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*****
this is our end I told her, and handed her a book titled 13 elegant ways to commit suicide. I won’t let this be the last time I saw her I promised myself. a graverobbers job only gets better as the night goes on.
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****
I saw myself buried beneath wreathes of dying leaves beneath an establishment. the on lookers at the top of the perishing watch tower tore out their tongues and told me they would drown me and everything I held close.
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